Season’s Greetings!
OK, I know it’s a bit weak. How about, “What did Santa say when he
went to a brothel?”
‘That is an easy one,’ as Jeannie might reply. ‘He either said “Ho ho ho…” or “Mistletoe belt buckles all 'round.”
‘That is an easy one,’ as Jeannie might reply. ‘He either said “Ho ho ho…” or “Mistletoe belt buckles all 'round.”
I know….
I “sleigh” you.
And Jeannie would never make a rude joke
like that. She’d just blink at
you.
Christmas time is here again. What insights can Kit’s Cucina possibly
have for the Christmas feast?
Actually, two top tips which could truly-ruly save your Xmas day!
Now read on!!
Top Tip 1. Check which salad!
This is the first mistake everyone makes; forgetting to check
what salads other people are making if they’ve been asked to bring one.
One Christmas I turned up having made this error, and my sister and I each brought an orange and fennel salad. I mean what are the chances?
Quite high really, because food moves in
fashions. Ange tells me she recently
went to a Thanksgiving party (in Australia… with an ex-Yank), and four
different people (…count them… 4!) brought Yotam Ottolenghi’s ancient grains
salad… and there wasn’t a leaf in sight!
Co-ordinate, people!
The Curse of the Ham
In my family, it’s become a running joke
that if you’ve been nominated to bring the ham along, that means someone thinks you
can’t cook.
Well guess who got pinned with the job of bringing the
ham this year?
Me!!
Outrageous.
But what ham to buy??? The pressure is on.
Years ago I drove trucks for Peter Rowland Catering, and they would make a present of a ‘Jonathon’s ham’ to big spending
clients. Genius! Jonathon's butchers are just around the corner from
Blue Vapours’ headquarters on Smith St.
This Melbourne institution offers
the philosophy that “you pay more, because you want the best” for all their
meats. Their hams come in various types, you need to order ahead if you
want a certain size, and they are, let’s face it, prohibitively expensive at between $24 - $31 a kilo depending on the type (the majority of
ham’s come in at over eight kilos).
Quoi? Deux cent quarante dollars Australiens!?!
Encroyable!
Even Rowlands started baulking at the price, finding something cheaper to hand out, and that was back
in the nineties.
Then there’s the serano style ham, I
suppose; you can get a Spanish smoked ham from Casa Iberica, which I see from
their website has the main HQ at Alphington, not the Fitzroy store (on Johnson St). How much do you think they’ll
be? Hundreds, baby!!
Olé!
But what do you do if you’re on a
budget. Or a tight arse. Like me?
You can go to the supermarket and get all
sorts for under fifty bucks. But which one do you choose?
I did hope to direct you to a very good
article on a blind ham testing run by the Guardian online; but when I went to
find it again, and do you think I could find it???
Nah.
Bum…
Hmm, basically, they did a blind taste test
with a panel of ordinary ham-eaters, and it turns out the Coles ham won the
budget ham prize, with stern warnings to avoid the Woolworths one since it was
watery and best eaten with hot English mustard.
I see another (related) article in the
Guardian analyses water contents in ham, so there’s something for everyone in
the “know which cured pig leg to choose” stakes; science, taste and culture.
Maybe you could even do one of those ridiculous marmalade glazes with
marachino cherries stuck in it and pineapple rings. Here, let me Google it for you:
Oh, Jamie Oliver does a glazed ham here! I see he’s sponsored by Woolworths. Hem hem. I quite like Jamie Oliver he’s a bit "ohhh", he’s a bit "ahhh",
he’s a bit "dodgy, yeah, let’s do a bit of this, massive, cracking!"
He’s a nice boy, leave him alone! Even Harry Hill likes Jamie Oliver too!
So in summary, which ham will I be taking
to my family of gourmets and food Nazis?
Buggered if I know.
~Postscript~
“So so so” (as Mr Kesuke Miyagi might have
said), we come to the end of another year for the galloping gourmets, and what
a ride it’s been.
Insh Allah we shall meet again after the
holiday break. Can you believe I’ve dropped six kilos since January? I hope I
can keep it up until the great gorge of the Chrissy holidays is upon us, at
which point I usually open my trap, lie down, and inflate for two weeks or so.
God bless you all, and I hope you have a very Merry Christmas now. In parting, here’s a video clip for the holiday season a friend put me onto; starring Grace Jones and Pee Wee Herman!
2 comments:
Hmmmm it's a sad indictment when bringing ham is a byword for bad cook. In your case, always be present when food choices are being discussed.
For those of you dying of suspense, in the end I went with Woolworth's ("gasp") Gold line triple smoked free range. The tasting guide from the Guardian must have hurt. They are knocking down the prices...
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